It’s
easy to see when people aren’t good communicators, isn’t it?
I see it every day – I see a person presenting things badly, not listening
well, hurting people’s feelings with a careless word and not even knowing it,
asking questions in a way that makes people feel attacked and defensive,
setting off teenagers – sometimes even on purpose!, and generally not
communicating how much I love the people I care most about, and it breaks my
own heart as I do it.
When I preached on this subject at CLC, I asked if someone more qualified to preach on this topic wanted to come up and take my place -- there were no takers! Disappointing...
Well,
accepting the irony of preaching on something I’m not very good at, at some
levels all I had to do is look seriously at my failures and see what the
opposite would be, and look to Jesus as a guide for real communication that is
loving yet serious.
Today’s
conversation is all about context.
Jesus’ communication with the Pharisees when he calls them a brood of vipers is in the moment – and it is important to say that this passage is to THEM and
not necessarily to us. Jesus is calling
out people that are duplicit, trying to convict him, and will eventually have
him killed. I don’t think we usually
fall into that category.
However,
what he says about the words we say speaking about our internal condition is
extremely valid for all of us. Not only
in minding what comes out of our own mouths but understanding that what comes
out of others’ can sometimes come from deep-seated hurt or brokenness that we
know nothing about. The take-away is
that words are important. They can wound,
they can heal – and how we use our words with others is something that we can
work on as a spiritual discipline in any stage of our lives.
It
also needs to be said that everything I’m about to talk about is in a context
of relationship – We’re not God, we do not have the ability to form deep
relationships with every person we interact with. That would be kind of creepy, wouldn’t
it? Friendliness, politeness, and
compassion with the Starbucks cashier is important – but not transparency. Full availability for an acquaintance we just
met might be noble and something some people have a ministry for – but if it
over commits us or fractures our committed family relationships then it is not
a noble thing, it is a mistake.
SO,
all disclaimers finished now, let’s communicate about communicating from the
HEART!
I
love memory games, and this topic almost begged for one, so let’s use the
letters in the word HEART to frame some thoughts –
H
– be Honest
E – be Early
A – be Available
R – take a Risk
T – be Transcendant
So
what do these mean to us as we try to bring Christ into our communication?
First,
be honest – this is easy and straightforward, right? Probably not.
Maybe, instead, it’s an idea filled with potholes and traps.
Honesty
can be painful but important – maybe bringing up something difficult for the
good of the other person or the relationship… “mom, I think you’re addicted to
prescription pain-killers…” “I’m your
friend, you need to work on your marriage…” or “You need to stop partying and
get your grades up.”
These
are difficult things to be honest about – but come from the right
heart-set. At other times “honesty” is a
smokescreen for intentional cruelty.
Unkindness is just that, not ennobled just because it may be true.
But
most importantly, from the standpoint of attempting Christ-centered
communication, is honesty with self. We
need to ask, “am I honestly dealing with the person I am communicating with, or
am I dealing with a problem of my own that I am projecting on them?”
About
15 years ago (and we arrived here about 12 ago, so don’t even wonder…) Lim
received a 3 page letter from a bell choir member who had turned up a few
minutes late and was convinced from the not-unfriendly glance Lim gave her
mid-song as she came in the door that he despised her, wanted her to quit
bells, and a host of other feelings that she was projecting on to him using
nothing but assumptions and psychic powers that she didn’t have. Three pages!
It
seems an out-there case, admittedly – and I have to note that when Lim replied
with little more than “I didn’t care that you were late,” all was well again –
but how often do we make assumptions about how others are feeling about us or
about a situation and address that assumption rather than honestly assessing
the situation?
Honesty
means willing to say hard truths and willing to admit hard truths about
ourselves.
Idea
number 2 -- be EARLY.
When
communication needs to happen in any relationship, do it sooner rather than
later. Easy to say that this is important,
and for me, incredibly difficult to execute.
My best failures at communicating have generally been instances where I
felt something was wrong and I let it lie, hoping it would get better on its
own – whether this has been from misplaced “nice-ness,” which plagues many
Christians, or simply from an embarrassing lack of courage, letting things
fester is never a good thing.
Why? Bad situations don’t tend to get better on
their own, really, do they? And when we
feel taken advantage of or mistreated somehow it is important to speak up while
you can do so calmly instead of in a festered, infected explosion.
There
is another side of this also, when things that need to be said are positive –
“I love you,” “You are important to me,” “I forgive you.”
Don’t
force others to be psychic – say it. Say
it now. We all have been around long
enough to know that opportunities can tragically pass.
Idea
number 3 – be AVAILABLE.
Don’t
these all seem to be no-brainers that are difficult to execute? The absolute fact that our relationships are
more important than anything else in the world is somehow difficult to remember
when I’m talking to my daughter and 4, no, wait, 5 text messages pop up on my
phone.
Take
time to be present for people you are in relationship with. Not on your phone. Not watching TV. Not making the other person feel that they
are less of a priority.
Don’t
mentally multitask or interrupt, even if you think you’ve figured out what they
are saying.
Do
you remember how riveting a person is when you first fall in love, or when you
first are getting to know a new friend that you really really like? How do you listen to that person? It’s not difficult in those situations to be
actively loving and listening.
It’s
hard to listen as actively and as attentively when you are with someone you are
used to – and much more difficult if it is someone you are in conflict
with.
But
doesn’t it feel wonderful to be with someone who is interested in what you have
to say? What a gift we can give to
people we love, even when they are being hard to love, to truly listen to them,
value what they are thinking and feeling, and thereby show how much we value
them.
Idea
number 4 – take a RISK.
To
truly communicate with people we are in relationship with, we need to be
willing to take some heavy risks. First
is the risk of being transparent – revealing things to others is a dangerous
business. And I would quote Christ,
though the context is different – “be wise as serpents, and innocent as doves…”
Revealing
things about ourselves is important. But
we need to understand that those revelations can change a relationship. Secrets burden and ultimately destroy us
unless we can trust someone enough to bare our soul. We risk ridicule, rejection, and even gossip and
public problems when we are transparent and vulnerable in our relationships. But it is worth the risk.
What
about the other side of the conversation, if something difficult needs to be
said to another person? We risk anger,
recriminations, and defensiveness. They
may say things about us that are difficult to hear, they may be wrong things
said to lash out – but they may be right.
We need to be willing to hear the hard things if we are willing to say
them.
When
we communicate honestly we risk failure.
Perhaps if you ask someone to treat you differently they will
refuse. Perhaps the relationship will be
forever changed or even dissolved. These
things happen in human relationships. We
are broken.
Which
is why we desperately need to maintain an awareness of the last idea –
Be
TRANSCENDANT.
There
is always something bigger going on when we communicate in love. God is relationship. God cared so much about communicating with us
that he took on human-ness to do it.
Jesus is the WORD of GOD! The
ultimate communication!
When
we communicate with another person, we are communicating not only with someone
that Jesus loves desperately but also with Christ himself as he in-dwells other
human beings. How would our
communication change if we maintained an awareness of this?
Would
we be more willing to transcend the communication of the moment? Would we be more willing to move on? To forgive?
To let go of any hard things that were said and continue to love even
those that are hard to love? More
willing even to fail and understand that sometimes relationships cannot be
saved or salvaged regardless of our efforts, and that God is still God?
Communication
always has Christ at the center, because Christ IS the center of
everything. But how we acknowledge this
can change how we behave, and that in turn can help us grow in faith and maturity
as believers in community and relationship and as good trees bringing forth
good fruit.
Out
of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks – may all of our hearts be
abundant with love and grace as we speak, today and always.
Amen
